A Journal-like entry, by way of explanation…



“I feel dead inside. I had an emergency appointment with my psychiatric nurse and social worker yesterday (Wednesday) at the hospital, I told my wife it was to look at the the side effects my latest medication is causing me, which is true but not the whole picture. I had called my key care worker on Monday to tell him I needed help, he knew it was serious because I’ve never asked for help before, he came the next day (Tuesday) and I told him about the side effects of my latest meds and then I told him the truth behind my call for help as well. He made me an appointment for the next day at the psychiatric hospital as an emergency (it was that serious). I told my wife that I’d been having severe pain from injuries suffered in the past and that I’d been taking codeine with my pain meds to give them a boost which again was true but not the whole picture. She was naturally sceptical and was concerned that a 100 and odd codeine tabs had gone missing from my med supply, she was suspicious of my explanation but I told her it was okay that I had explained it to Russell (my health worker) and everything was fine, but it wasn’t/isn’t.
You see, I had overdosed on new year’s eve, I hadn’t intended to I just wanted to feel something… anything, I wasn’t bothered what, provided it wasn’t more of the same emptiness I’d been feeling for the past five months. I figured that if 250mg codeine gives you a decent buzz then 300mg or over would be a nice high so I took twenty of my codeine tabs once everyone had gone to bed, it felt pretty good to begin with so I took another five or so, (I mean eight, I just have trouble saying it) I know 800mg is close to a fatal dose so I thought 28x 15mg tabs would be fine except when I was taking the last three I noticed they were in fact 30mg and not 15mg which made an 840mg dose not 420mg which could be lethal, oh dear, too late now. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t care if I did either, but just in case, I got out a repeat prescription and wrote ACCIDENTAL O.D on it next to the codeine box, that way if I did snuff it they would know it was an accident but I didn’t ask for help I just waited to see what would happen. I was very ill but I obviously didn’t die. The next evening I took twelve instead of twenty eight and I felt great, I finally managed to relax and reconnect with myself. The next morning Russell my mental health social worker came to see me and I told him what had happened but said that it wouldn’t happen again but it did, I took another 14 that night and twelve the night after and the next and the next and so on until they were all gone which brings us up to yesterday.
From 1 o’clock this morning I stood outside barefoot in just my pyjama bottoms for three hours, I was wondering how long it would take for hypothermia to start to shut down my thought processes, it didn’t take long but I knew it wouldn’t hurt me in the long run because I have had a long and intimate working relationship with hypothermia, years of working the doors does that to you.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m not sure what’s right with me, I’m not even sure how I feel or indeed if I feel much of anything at all. I know that I feel dead inside and I know that I want to be dead outside but I just can’t be arsed to kill myself.
I’m desperate to feel alive, I’m desperate to be able to relax, and I’m desperate to reconnect with my soul. What if my soul is gone, will my body follow on close behind. I don’t want to die but rather than continue to exist in this emptiness I would sooner let my life go quickly than hang on to it for longer than necessary.
When people I love go out of the room it feels like they are never coming back, like they died somehow. How do you tell your wife this? Instead I shout at her and demand to know where she has been for so long and accuse her of things she hasn’t done. Why am I angry that she left me alone instead of relieved that she has returned?” S.M.

Crystal fruit platter

Despite the devastating effects my mental illness has on certain aspects of my life I find it completely at odds with the run of things that I could produce this piece of work yesterday without any apparent artistic hindrance. Weird that even in the depths of despair we can still find ways to create. This is my latest piece which is lilies on an Italian crystal glass platter 330mm dia. and over a kilo in weight. This is going to Sharon’s posh shop, ‘Zest’. That’s if she’ll take it of course, I said I was going to supply her some work months ago but each time I finished something someone else bought it before I could get it there.http://www.zestfurniture.com/VLUU L200  / Samsung L200 Sdc13935 VLUU L200  / Samsung L200 VLUU L200  / Samsung L200

Recent Commission

You can't paint nudes if you're not comfortable with nudity...

You can’t paint nudes if you’re not comfortable with nudity…

This was a recent commission for an existing client who provide the vase along with the brief “something along the lines of butterflies and flowers”. After trying various ideas this is the one I thought most suited the vase. I designed the overall shape of the composition to echo the shape of the vase. Although the design looks relatively simple it is in fact quite complex without being overly showy and I think it complements the simple elegance of the glass. Also I thought the design size provided a wonderful focus to the vase without exaggerating or diminishing the size of the piece, which is 18” tall. By using selective organisation of the engraved areas the flowers are presented in white along with the butterfly with fine lines and spaces of untouched glass separating and delineating the individual elements, although, you’ll probably notice that all the flowers and the butterfly appear interconnected with no one element appearing in isolation.